The Very Secret Diary of Veralidaine Sarrasri
by Tailyn
Summary: Written in answer to the Dancing Dove's VSD Challenge: A 'Bridget Jones'-esque diary of Daine's travels in Realm of the Gods. "Turns out Ma has not been dead but on extended vacation all along. Claims she must have just forgotten to tell me. How rude!"


**Title:** The Very Secret Diary of Veralidaine Sarrasri, Wild Mage

**Disclaimer:** Tamora Pierce owns these characters, I don't; Helen Feilding started this style, not me; Cassandra Claire is credited for stylistic inspiration as well.

**Author's Notes:** This story was written in response to a challenge given at the highly recommended, always excellent Dancing Dove.  The challenge?  To write a story in general style of Helen Feilding's "Bridget Jones" books, and Cassandra Claire's Very Secret Diaries following the Fellowship of the Ring, following one of Tamora's characters through one of the books. This particular VSD belongs to Daine, and is set during The Realm of the Gods. Keeping all that in mind, please remember that this is intended to be a humorous story, not an in depth character study into Daine's inner workings. (Read: Daine is stylistically OOC, yes_, I know_.) Since straight out humor isn't really my specialty, I'd really appreciate feedback (good, bad, or both!) on this. Thank you in advance – and of course, be sure and check out the Dove (link below, since the document manager _will not_ let me put it here), where it all began.

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** Day One**

**10:24 a.m.**

Have been sent off to rid countryside of manic, rampaging monsters _again._ Really, honestly fed up with King, he never thinks about anyone else's' problems. It's always, "Daine, kill this" or "Daine, talk to that." Honestly. What about my needs? For example, had manicure scheduled for this afternoon, and will _never_ be able to get back in time to make it. Oh well. Hair looks nice today, at least.

**12:43 p.m.**

Really must teach Numair how to ride a horse. Looks absolutely ridiculous, getting jostled around like that. Am completely embarrassed to be seen with him. Villagers would all point and laugh, if they weren't all missing. Huh. Wonder where they went.

Have just realized I haven't done anything really cool yet today. Better shape shift and fly around for a while.

**1:36 p.m.**

Have been pulled into Divine Realms in last minute rescue by badger god. Honestly, minions of Chaos can be so cranky sometimes. Hair thankfully survived in tact. Small blessings. Rather tired, actually…better take a nap.

**Day Four**

**11:04 a.m.**

Turns out Ma has not been dead but on extended vacation all along. Claims she must have just forgotten to tell me. How rude! Could use a holiday myself, but certainly don't run around faking death to get one. Suspect she's gone a bit around the bend, actually. Has a new boyfriend, short fellow with antlers. Claims he is my father. Cha! Don't see me with antlers, do you? Well not often. Besides, he wears a loincloth and Ma dresses like a rag doll, so real father _must _have had some fashion sense. Had to get it from somewhere, after all!

Also, Ma has stolen my pants. Am quite miffed, actually, as those pants made my ass look _fabulous_. Didn't care much for the shirt – she can keep that. Absolutely must remember to ask for comb – am suffering from really, truly horrific bedhead.

**Day Six**

**1:57 p.m.**

Antlered man is absolutely insisting to be called 'Da'. Would really rather not, personally, but as he has bigger bow than me, should probably give in, for self preservation's sake. And speaking of bigger, am beginning to see why Ma fancies him so much. Loincloths, after all, not terribly concealing.

Went for a walk today. Was having a really lovely time, actually, when v. rude lizard god turned up. Stupid bint got a bit shirty with me when I _dared_ to look at her private puddle of tar. Actually bit me! Honestly, do not know why I bother with these animals, sometimes. 

Hair absolutely horrid, as was _not_ able to condition. Horrid Tauros tried to peak at me underwater, so I killed it. Serves it right. Hair is absolute _straw_ when not conditioned properly!

Though, probably should not have taken bath outside, in retrospect.

**3:05 p.m.**

'Da' is clearly a complete loon. Can't have a conversation with the man at all, as he is completely obsessed with shooting things. Was doing very best to get to know him when suddenly he goes completely out of his head and fires arrows off left, right, and center. Am rather worried about personal safety around him, actually. One arrow hit a little inky thing hiding in bushes. Poor inky thing. Don't know what it is or where it came from at all. Hmm. Oh well, could use a new pet.

**8:45 p.m.**

Gods-awful family dinner this evening. Missed a lot of things when Ma 'died', but never these. Suspect she is trying to set me up with her friend from work, as he turned up just in time for dinner, and Ma forced me into a dress. Not a bad looking fellow, but v. snobby. Didn't say a word to me all evening! His loss.

Tried to catch Numair's attention by rolling skirt up and teasing hair a bit, but he was much more interested in using back of his spoon as a mirror. Honestly. If he thinks I'll bake him cakes like that overdone tart in Carthak to get his attention, he is quite mistaken. Have much better things to do with my time.

Maybe not right now. But usually!

**Day Seven**

**9:24 a.m.**

That is it. Have had enough – am leaving.

Woke up this morning, got dressed (dresses again! Must talk to Ma.), and went to mirror for morning hair report. Mirror total and complete _crap_! Could not see self at all! Could only see everyone back home going completely to pieces without me. How is King still on throne? Really must have someone explain this to me. Though suppose am somewhat flattered that entire monarchy falls apart when I go on holiday. Am so important!

**1:14 p.m.**

Big row with Ma. Told her to give pants back, as am going home now. Ma burst into tears, v. melodramatic. So typical of her. Moaned about missing me and never seeing me anymore.

She said "You never write or pop over for tea or tell me how things are in your life, Daine!" Bit rich of her, really. All things considering. Reminded her that, of the two of us, I was only one who did not fake death, and that she did not exactly leave a forwarding address, either. That shut her up fast enough. She still refuses to give pants back, though. Spiteful tart, they won't look nearly as good on her. Did get new pants out of her, at least. Not as nice, but not a dress, either.

Got lots of other things too. V. excited about new bow, though map is a bit sketchy. Keeps giving me splinters, firstly. Will leave first thing in the morning.

Can't wait to be gone, truth be told. Personal grooming absolutely impossible here, and Numair won't come anywhere near me with Antlers lurking about and waving his bow everywhere.

**Day Eight**

**10:45 a.m.**

On the road at last! Though, not having as good a start of it as would have liked. Antlers absolutely insisted on chaperone, and now have to tote ridiculous duck thing along with us. Numair v. worried he will be shot full of arrows if he looks at me wrong, and walks too fast.

Honestly. This is getting v. silly. Am not making any unreasonable demands! Would simply like a quick snog now and then. Is that too much to ask?

Hair unknown. No mirrors. Probably wouldn't work, even if I had one, anyway. Really should have brought hat.

**8:32 p.m.**

Bed time. Camped by Temptation Lake – hoped would rub off on Numair, as duck chaperone off visiting friends. Tried 'am so cold in sleeping bag, better share for body heat' routine. Numair completely oblivious, of course. Heated up some bloody rocks, then carried on as if he deserved a parade for it.

Men completely impossible sometimes.

**Day Nine**

**7:50 a.m.**

Just woke up, and Numair not here. Wonder where he went.

**7:51 a.m.**

Spotted him. Apparently having naked swim with some watery tart. Am not jealous. Am not.

**7:52 a.m.**

She is not even that pretty anyway. Tentacles v. unattractive.

**7:53** **a.m.**

He's still swimming. Don't care. Hope he drowns.

Am. Not. Jealous.

**7:54 a.m.**

Oh, bloody hell, am _extremely_ jealous. Bastard! Will show him.

**9:42 a.m.**

Walking again. Am not speaking to Numair, as he is horrible typical man with commitment phobia and superficial draw to tramped up dolls in skimpy loincloths. Numair not speaking to me, as I bit him. Inky pet, ironically, _is_ speaking out of nowhere, as well as all its little friends.

No matter, they're horrible conversationalists anyway.

Had to go into the water to drag Numair out. Hair slowly taking over head, I think. V. worried that it will never recover.

**4:12 p.m.**

Had a bit of a row with Numair. Yelled at him for leading me on. Am poor innocent young girl with fragile emotions, after all! He said I am 'tease' – don't understand this at all! Never tease! Do _not _wear shirts with low necks on purpose, they're just _made_ that way!

Probably could have picked better place for argument. Old rickety bridges not, after all, extraordinarily stable. Rampaging hurocks not a help. They were v. cross; apparently there is a toll. Still, no reason to try and claw us to death for heaven's sake. Why does no one have manners anymore? Killed them.

Am doing that a lot lately, actually. Does this mean something?

On plus side, got some scratches on head. Am fabulous actress, so played it up and fell all over Numair moaning about my wounds. He was completely beside himself, dropped everything to fix me up. Knew it! Am irresistible.

**Day Ten**

**1:23 p.m. **

Not having a v. good day so far. Woke up. Walked. Sat down, stood up. Walked. Saw a tree. Ate lunch. Walked. 

Was at least getting some quality flirtation in with Numair – knew he fancied me! But was interrupted. Wrinkly old lizard should mind his own business! Cranky prat going on and on about us distracting him. Am sure he had very important fossilizing to do. _So_ sorry.

Never liked swamps anyway.

And now Numair is worried about being eaten and is completely out of the mood. Honestly! What does one have to do to get a teeny _tiny_ little shag around here?

**Day Eleven**

**3:13 a.m.**

Friend of Ma's from dinner party is complete lunatic. Turns up in the middle of the night, pretending to be a wolf, _inside my head._ Told him to piss off; have no time for creepy old men. May have offended him – he showed me potential outcomes of upcoming inter-divinity party I'm supposed to be going to. Lots of death and slaughter. Might decide to skip it.

**1:23 p.m.**

Am v. tired, as had dreadful nights sleep. Must try to avoid picking up divine stalkers in the future. Am tired of Divine Lands. Possibly will look into moving to Maren – nothing ever happens there.

Numair giving me funny looks – hope it is not because of hair. Tried brushing it and now vaguely resemble hedgehog. Life is unfair.

**4:01 p.m.**

Cliffs v. scenic – Numair always liked mountains. Possibly can catch his attention with dramatic horizon behind me. Will just drape self prettily over this rock and hope for the – EEEEEEEE!

**4:11 p.m.**

I give up.

In the last ten minutes have: walked off cliff, fallen through trees, fell into river, nearly drowned, climbed out of river, walked into spider web, and been caught in Spidren trap. Am afraid to even _think _about what hair looks like.I suck at life.

Spidrens lurking about, giving me eye. V. firmly told them I am not at all interested in inter-species relationships. Do not think they care. Prats.

Suppose I'll just have to wait for Numair to come get me.

**4:13 p.m.**

Still here.

**4:14 p.m.**

Am getting a cramp.

**4:15 p.m.**

Anytime, Numair.

**4:16 p.m.**

What is point of trailing around with super powerful mage if he cannot swoop in and rescue – Oh! There he is!

**4:25 p.m.**

Appreciate Numair coming to rescue, but honestly, did he have to be so disgusting about it? Spidren guts all over absolutely everything.

On other hand, look his is giving me v. promising. Better investigate.

**4:35 p.m.**

_YAY!_ Knew it. KNEW IT! Am fabulous, attractive, irresistible mage-magnet!

On side note: Numair _much_ better kisser than any of my old boyfriends.

**Day Twelve**

**9:52 a.m.**

Woke up after bit of a cuddle with Numair, v. nice. He did not wake up, so had time to realize a few things.

1) Older boyfriends much better.

2) Must fall off cliffs more often.

3) Have rock digging into back. Hurts v. much

**2:32 p.m.**

Really should get going – am supposed to hitch ride with Rikash, but am v. nervous about seeing him again. He didn't take our breakup well at all, but honestly, was really quite a bother having to go patch self up every time we had a go. Band-Aid expenses were getting ridiculous!

All well and good to have Numair as new boyfriend, but really had no idea he was so dense! Have spent _entire day_ tucked away in nice little cave, and do not have even tiny itty bitty little shag to show for it. Have tried everything! 

Even brought myself to ask him if it was true about wizards and their staffs, which was v. embarrassing, and he _actually answered me_. Seriously! About his actual wooden magical staff!

CHA! Have already seen _that one _Numair!

**5:43 p.m.**

On the road again. Status report.

Clothes: ruined

Bow: gone

Numair: flustered

Shags: zero

Hair: unspeakable

Divine Realms absolutely no fun. Oh well – making Rikash jealous always good for a laugh.

**Day Thirteen**

**1:12 a.m.**

Hmmph. Understand Rikash misses me terribly and can't stand to see me with new, v. suave and mature boyfriend, but honestly, is it _absolutely_ necessary to haul me up in sack of strings and jostle me all about the sky? Not the best approach to wooing.

Will never fly Stormwings again.

**7:28 a.m.**

Dragon Lands. V. pretty here, no sand, and no horrid monsters trying to kill us so far. Downside is, of course, that dragons live here.

Never really understand what dragons did with all their free time until now. Have learned: they talk. And talk, and talk, and talk, and talk. About nothing. About themselves. V. boring to listen to.

Somehow got stuck with the kindergarten contingent on walk around. Littlest dragon v. snotty – absolutely no manners at all. Snickered behind my back the whole way to the meeting. Finally asked her what was so funny.

She said, "What happened to your hair?"

Honestly! Don't know who she is to talk about hair – she hasn't got any.

**6:52 p.m.**

Dragons really v. cranky. Glad to be well rid of most of them.

Had to do a bit of arguing and a bit of eye batting, but finally managed to talk dragons into giving us a ride home. Much better than Stormwings, for one thing. But v. fast – made me a bit nauseous. Nearly threw up on ride, but was worried dragon would possibly eat me if I did, so just barely did not.

Am on way to see King now. Numair staying with Queen – apparently his old boyfriend causing a bit of a ruckus off in countryside somewhere, so Numair off to sort him out. This is probably for the best, as Rikash is coming with me, and will stab self if I have to listen to the two of them bickering over me any longer.

Sigh. Is v. hard being so popular sometimes.

**Day Fifteen**

**6:12 a.m.**

Have learned war is v. v. boring. Absolutely nothing to do! Will have to entertain self until fighting starts.

In more important news, finally got to take a bath! Conditioned as I have never conditioned before. Am pleased to report hair is silky and smooth collection of curls now. Look v. nice. Finally.

**6:43 a.m.**

Thought up a wonderful new game – "Oh, look, someone with a sword!"

Am having much fun playing it. Oh look! Another one.

Am v. good at this game.

**7:08 a.m.**

Game actually not so much fun when everyone has a sword. Except me. Discrimination!

**7:15 a.m.**

Ooooh! Fighting. Better shoot stuff.

**8:10 a.m.**

Rikash has gone and killed himself heroically. _So _unfair! Imagine he expects me to sit around wishing had not dumped him now that he is very dramatic hero. Will not lie – am v. v. sad.

**8:22 a.m.**

Am over it.

Apparently war is very secret cover up for ex-boyfriend convention. Was just minding my own business, thinking of cool animals to change into, when Ozzie turns up. He must have heard about me and Numair. Jealous is so unattractive! If he thinks I'm going to go flying after him so we can talk about our feelings, then he's mistaken. Cha! Have better things to do.

**8:23 a.m.**

Alright, maybe just a little chat.

**9:34 a.m.**

Boys absolutely impossible.

Caught up with Ozzie. He was being v. cross, as I expected. Accused me of leading him on to get to Numair, never really loving him, stealing his hair products, blah blah blah. Told him could never settle down with a Storming, and also about policy re: boys who look better in eyeliner than me.

Know I am wonderful girlfriend, but don't know why everyone has to get so hysterical all the time. Can't shag everybody!

Ozzie called me a tramp, so I killed him. Absolutely will not take that kind of lip from anybody. And then his _new_ girlfriend turned up. Suppose I can see why he misses me so much, as she is absolutely horrid. No concept of dress, for one thing. Makes me completely nauseous.

Though that might be all the shape shifting.

Anyway, neurotic cow went completely postal because I maybe killed her boyfriend a little. Tried to shove me! Honestly, nobody has any class anymore.

Thankfully, am v. popular and powerful. Ma and Antlers apparently not standing for me getting pushed around by smelly tart covered in goo. Got all their god friends to call her parents. She's on house arrest now. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Gods bit of a pain in the ass, actually. All boring talk about chaos and disorder and limiting influence. Have no time for it at all. Told them to piss off and send me home.

**Day Sixteen**

**10:52 a.m.**

Good to be home.

Was received fabulously, of course, after being sent home from Divine Realms again. Lots of hugs and tears all around. Knew everyone missed me!

And then, of course, lots and lots and lots of 'I'm glad you're not dead' shagging with Numair. Finally! Turns out it _is_ true about wizards and their staffs.

So nice to have sophisticated older boyfriend. Think I will keep him for a while. But could use a nap. Will take a holiday and be supporting background character for a while, I think.

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**Post Story Author's Notes:** Just in case you didn't pay attention to that semi-subtle plug before, here it is again in much blunter terms:

The Dancing Dove is an incredible, amazing Tamora Pierce message board, with some of the _nicest_ and most intelligent people in the fandom, in my opinion. Its home to a collection of unbelievably writers, there are always fan-fiction challenges up to write or read, and the conversation, on Tamora Pierce or anything else, is always great. I **_highly recommend_** joining – it's worth it. Stop on by! (**http://pub162.ezboard.com/bthedancingdove**)


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